Oh Shit!

Slumber ends as morning comes and our zombied existence continues, so does our never-ending battle of normality and monotony. The ritual meal is prepared and consumed amidst loneliness or conversation, all this of course is done after duly releasing the remains of a similar activity the night before.

Now, this time that is spent prior to the time of actual eating can be extremely irritating and frustrating, it may even result in dissatisfaction for some, but only if it isn’t just right (the timing, the ambience and the actual act have to have a kind of surreal synchronicity and it has to be observed every single day, sometimes twice a day). If it is done right though, there is no real substitute for the sense of well-being that envelopes you, not in the real world anyway. Yes I speak of the act, or if I may, the art, of excretion. Who would have known that human being s would be so relieved in parting with something that they’d only just made and which had already been ingrained so deeply in them.

Faeces is probably the only solid substance that defies logic and disproves clichés. No one has come up with or wants to come up with ingenious ideas on its utilization, even though it grows both in quality and quantity over time, more than any other human possession. Haste does not make waste, but as I have explained above, the actual process is nothing short of a miraculous intertwining of the many variables that need to work together in time and space. The fallacy continues, in the case of shit, the more you have the less you want it.

Although it is quite a distasteful expression, ‘Shit’ is probably the most used word in our vocabulary, we use it for commiseration in times of woe and pain and uplift it to sublime status in the extremes of those times (Holy Shit!). We use it when we are surprised, as an anchor to ground ourselves. In times of disappointment, it is, more often than we’d like, our only companion.

This age old pillar of our society is now facing stiff competition from new age creations, namely; ‘Whatever’ and ‘Crap’. But we need not worry as our friend still lives in them and so lives on in its re-incarnated form. While ‘Crap’ is a direct descendant the ‘Whatever’s’ lineage is a little trickier to understand.

It all began in one of our more up market malls, a beautiful young lady of wealthy background was spotted by an awaiting camera crew. She was asked for her permission to be interviewed by them, she most gladly agreed. In the course of their dialogue she was casually asked what she had done that day, she started of fine, but then came the awkward silence, she thought about it, but being of limited intelligence she did it anyway, “I shat before breakfast.” Ladies and gentlemen that was the end of her, her friends deserted her, her parents kicked her out, she never got married, the only thing that did happen was her answer became the talk of the town as it was published in many newspapers and magazines. When it was finally aired it was cloaked with voice-overs and the network seemed to have found a solution for the awkwardness that women and the now-growing breed of metro sexual men, may feel in the usage of such coarse expressions as ‘ Shit’ and the rest, this is how they managed that, “And then you know, I like got up and then I hung, and then I went in and did Whatever, grabbed some grub for breakfast and then that’s all, you know the rest, Whatever, was I okay?” The trained eye might observe classic usage of “Shit” replaced with ‘Whatever’ in two instances, for the others, Shit!

Digressing, another common alias used for the object of my current affection is ‘Potty’ originating in British Slang; this word too has many uses over a large spread of contexts. Men use it to express the craziness of their love, “You drive me potty.” People express anger or playfulness by adding the required tone to, “Eat Potty” or “Potty khaa le.” One word, a hundred uses and contexts, only one basic, underlying meaning. In the context of love for example you are saying, “You give me the same satisfaction that I get from a hearty dump.” When you use it in jest or anger, you are suggesting that the lack of faeces in the persons intestine is making them act the way they are, so consuming some would help the situation, a cure for the ‘constipation’ of their thoughts and ideas.

I guess all I’m really saying is that Crap is the best thing that’s happened to me, I just hope that it will happen again tomorrow.